My ride-or-die best friend Mia and I are sophomores in college. We have dreamt of this chapter and done everything together since we were trading glitter pens in the third grade. Lately, Mia’s choices have been clashing with my values. She has been partying a lot, skipping classes, lying about where she has been, and hanging out with irresponsible people. This is not the Mia I know. I love her like a sister and want to maintain our relationship without compromising who I am. Should I confront her and risk losing our friendship, stay quiet and hope she finds her way back, or just support her and risk my own morality?
— Yours in a moral muddle,
Conflicted Coed
Blake Johnson
Blake’s Take
Dear Conflicted Coed,
Thank you for writing in and sharing the concerns you have about your friend. First, let me congratulate you on making one of your dreams come true. Setting your sights on college and making it to your sophomore year is a worthy achievement. It sounds like you have your priorities straight and are hoping to make the most of this experience. As you are witnessing through your friend, it can be difficult to maintain priorities when so many temptations are present.
You have already simplified the matter by identifying your response options and acknowledging their potential outcomes. Your first option is to confront Mia at the risk of losing your friendship. In this scenario, you would maintain your values, but her reaction remains uncertain. If she is defensive or dismissive, the confrontation might lead to the end of your friendship. However, if she is open-minded, she may reflect on your words and choose to make changes.
Your second option is to stay quiet and hope she eventually comes to her senses. Here again, you remain true to your values, but the outcome is still unclear. She may return to her old self, or she may continue down a path that leads the two of you further apart.
Finally, you mentioned the possibility of supporting her despite disagreeing with her choices. While this might preserve your friendship temporarily, it would likely compromise your values. More importantly, there is no guarantee that going along with her behavior will actually keep you close. Relationships rooted in denial or sacrifice of self often fracture over time.
I encourage you to begin by re-examining your personal values. Write them down in order of importance and try not to let this situation with Mia influence your process. Think about the kind of person you want to be, and how you hope others see you. Your values should be a reflection of your beliefs and serve as a guide for your actions and decisions.
Once you have reviewed your values, compare them to the three response options. If your values remain the same, I believe it is fair to rule out the last option. You have already stated that Mia’s behavior conflicts with your beliefs, and supporting it would mean betraying yourself. Trust your instincts. Even if you chose to join her lifestyle, the friendship might not survive, especially if she continues to change.
This leaves you with two paths: say something or stay silent. Both allow you to uphold your values, but both carry the risk of drifting apart. Staying quiet might preserve surface-level peace, but how long can that last if you are not honest about your feelings? On the other hand, addressing the issue directly could lead to discomfort, but it is also the only way to find clarity. A real friendship deserves openness, even when the conversation is hard.
If, upon reflection, you realize your values have shifted, then reevaluate the situation with those new priorities in mind. Perhaps you were holding yourself or Mia to standards that were too rigid. Growth sometimes requires flexibility. As long as your experiences and choices align with your long-term goals and authentic self, it is okay to allow room for pleasure, fun, and change.
I hope this helps you find clarity as you navigate this difficult moment. Stay true to who you are becoming, and choose paths that will keep you far from regret.
Sincerely,
