I’m 32 years old and have recently gone through an unexpected divorce. For years, I’ve identified as a husband, and my focus has been on building a future with my wife. Since the divorce, I can function okay, but inside I feel lost. I’m not sure what I’m working for anymore. Friends tell me to start a new chapter, but I have no direction. How do I rediscover myself and find new purpose after losing it so suddenly?
— Sincerely,
Lost but Trying
Blake Johnson
Blake’s Take
Dear Lost but Trying,
Thank you so much for writing in and sharing this difficult time. I’m truly sorry you are having to go through this. The only experience I have with divorce is from a child’s perspective. I know that is looking through a different lens, but I was a witness to some of my parents’ struggles. I have also witnessed the divorces of other family members, friends, and acquaintances over the years. I can offer advice based on those experiences, but I hope you also reach out to people who have walked in your shoes.
One thing I can say about divorce is that it is by no means a one-size-fits-all experience. Divorce is unique to each couple and can lead to many different outcomes.
However, I do feel that it is often unexpected and traumatic overall. Most marriages include the vow “till death do us part.” That alone expresses the intent to stay together forever. It only makes sense that ending a marriage would, at the very least, be shocking to those involved. You stated that you feel lost and that your identity revolved around being a husband. I would think most individuals feel the same way at some point during the process. Along with these feelings comes pain, and pain from loss can lead to grief.
Everyone grieves differently, but some stages can be common. Many people experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance while grieving. Denial is the refusal to believe in the loss. Some say it is a way for the human body to protect itself from the initial impact. Anger usually begins when a person starts to feel that impact. During this stage, people tend to blame something or someone for their pain. Bargaining is associated with the guilt that might come from the loss. In this stage, people often think about things they could have or should have done to prevent the experience. Depression sets in when someone realizes the magnitude of their loss. Sadness is normal, but it can be overwhelming and sometimes affect one’s ability to carry on. Lastly, acceptance is the stage of rebuilding and provides the ability to move beyond distress. These stages are always unique to the individual and the circumstances, but this list helps recognize potential patterns and provides some understanding of the grieving process.
Based on your statement that you feel lost and have no direction, I would say you may be experiencing some level of depression. It’s good that you can function, but as you said, you need to find purpose. Unfortunately, this can take time. You likely spent years developing your identity as a husband and planning that future with your wife. It is no different now. You need to spend time reflecting and defining the person you want to be for yourself. A spouse should be an addition to who you are, not the definition of who you are. This is your life. Discover who you are and then share that person with the world. If a companion comes along, share yourselves with each other. The relationship is not who you are. It is the experience you share. The same is true for your future.
My recommendation is to take this opportunity to find and do things you enjoy. Pick up a hobby, join an interest group, or consider traveling. Anything that helps get your mind off the divorce, even for a little while, can be beneficial. Continue exploring until you begin to rediscover yourself and develop a new sense of purpose. In the meantime, if you still feel lost, try connecting with someone who has been where you are. Talk to them about their experience. Consider joining a support group and sharing your own. If you ever feel overwhelmed, seek professional counseling. It helps to talk to people who understand what you’re going through. It may be that you simply need a little encouragement to get through this current season. As you gain your footing, the path toward the “new chapter” your friends are talking about will become clearer.
I hope this helps and that you find the nudge you need to move through this difficult experience. I am confident that your future is bright and that your next chapter is just ahead.
Sincerely,
