Blake’s Take

Dear Always the One They Call,

Thank you for writing in and sharing your struggles. Since the start of Blake’s Take, this topic has resurfaced more than once. It seems there is no shortage of people willing to cast their problems, cares, and duties onto others. In addition, these folks have a gift for finding dependable people, people-pleasers, who are happy to take on the responsibility.

Instead of growing weary of requests, people-pleasers often seem to thrive on being needed and wanted. I do not believe the behavior of either group is intentional. As creatures of habit, I think we simply develop patterns that are rewarding and comforting. For the people-pleaser, it is rewarding to be there for others. For those receiving the help, comfort is found in support.

I feel like your question provides enough evidence to say you fit the criteria of a people-pleaser. You willingly pick up the slack and strive to be available for others while disregarding your own needs. In many ways, this mindset is honorable and admirable, especially in an individualistic society where people can become consumed with themselves.

Although potentially praiseworthy, everyone needs to realize that people-pleasing is only effective when you are able to keep up with everyone’s expectations, including your own. As I think you are beginning to see, it can easily get out of control.

Your comment, “I can’t keep this up,” tells me you are overextended. Overextending yourself has two likely outcomes: sacrificing self-care or sacrificing your commitments. Your statement that you feel like you only exist for the needs of others suggests you are already sacrificing self-care.

As a people-pleaser, you must learn to take care of your own needs first. It is difficult to care for others effectively when you are anything less than the best version of yourself. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and then lending your time and energy to others. People will understand and should be more appreciative of the time you are able to give.

To stay dependable for others without losing yourself, I recommend trying several things. First, make a list of personal hobbies, wants, and goals. Focus on those things and remind yourself that it is not selfish to spend time on your own well-being. It is healthy, and you will be more beneficial to others if you do.

Next, practice saying yes to the requests you genuinely want to be involved with. This can help ease the transition because you are doing something you enjoy while also helping someone else. Changing your perspective may help you recognize what you have been missing when you neglect your own needs. At the very least, it is a great way to stay dependable for others without losing yourself.

Another important practice is saying yes only to the requests you actually have time for. Create a schedule that first blocks out time for your own priorities and responsibilities. Then use the remaining open time for the requests you choose to accept. Keeping a schedule is especially important for people who tend to overextend themselves.

Finally, I know this is the last thing a people-pleaser wants to hear, but you must learn to say no. Teach yourself that saying no does not mean you love or care any less. It simply means you are not available for certain requests.

Remember, you cannot possibly meet every demand placed upon you while also making time for yourself. Saying no occasionally is often the only way to regain balance in your life. The people who genuinely love and care about you will understand when you have other obligations. Those who do not may simply be taking advantage of your good nature.

These are just a few suggestions. If you feel you need additional guidance, there is a wealth of information available on self-care and time management. If that is not enough, there are also professionals who specialize in these areas. With a little research and practice, I am confident you can develop a plan that works for you.

Good luck, and God bless,