I am the single mom of a young son. His father is not in the picture, and I have no family nearby. Knowing he needs a good male role model in his life I look for that in a potential partner. The problem is those who are good for him are not always the best for me. How do I find someone that is good for us both?
– Thanks, Anonymous
Blake Johnson
Blake’s Take
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your question. Unfortunately, a lot of single parents find themselves facing this quandary. Though it may be a common predicament, there is hardly a common resolution. Finding a good partner can be tough and the difficulty only increases when children are involved. Combining multiple personalities, traits, and interests can be awkward and messy. My parents divorced when I was young, so I witnessed some of this firsthand.
First, I would like to commend you for considering your son’s needs along with yours. I feel like we live in a time when a lot of parents put themselves and their happiness above all else. Bringing someone into a child’s life can be challenging and it can get ugly when the child’s thoughts and feelings are not considered.
Next, I think your definition of a good male role model needs to be defined. The perception of a good male role model might range from someone who loves and spends time with your son to someone who works long hours as a provider. You must decide on the qualifications necessary based on your household. Perhaps it is better to focus on someone who is good to you and your son rather than for you and your son.
Someone who is good to your son may not meet all the expectations you have for a good male role model. Don’t feel like all your son’s needs must be provided for by your prospective partner. There are plenty of other places and options to meet his needs and possibly provide role models. Many churches have youth groups with youth leaders, most sports provide good coaches and trainers, Boy Scouts have troop leaders, school systems have good male teachers, your son’s friends may have willing fathers, and there are community organizations like Big Brothers Big Sisters of America that may be able to help. Utilizing multiple sources may be a way to relieve some of the expectations you place on a potential partner. The important thing is teaching your son what a good male role model looks like.
Another suggestion might be to put off dating for the time being. I know this is not the advice you asked for, but you are juggling many roles. Your son needs a lot of your attention right now. Embrace that depth of need. Even though it is overwhelming and demanding, it will be over way too fast. Your son is becoming a little more independent every day. Eventually, he will be more interested in your well-being than his own. Over time you can shift more of the focus to your needs without interrupting his.
We often hear that, “people find love in the right person when they are not looking and are least expecting it.” I feel like there is some truth in that statement. I believe if you concentrate on your son’s well-being, God will provide for you and introduce the right man at the right time.
I hope this helps and God fulfills all the needs of you and your son.
Sincerely,
