My family demands all my attention, leaving me overwhelmed and completely drained. I am determined to set boundaries and create some personal space but how do I go about it without hurting feelings or creating conflict?
Thanks,
Family Matters
Blake Johnson
Blake’s Take
Dear Family Matters,
Thank you for writing and sharing the concerns you have with your family. Over the years, I’ve noticed a lot of families tend to elect one person they all turn to for advice. While there’s nothing wrong with it in moderation, excessive dependency can lead to problems. In your case, family demands have left you depleted, and you feel like you have no personal space.
There are lots of reasons demanding relationships develop. A few of the common related behaviors are codependency, people pleasing, conditioning, and habitual behavior. Codependency is a relationship where a person sacrifices themselves for others because they measure self-worth by how much they are needed. People pleasing describes a behavior where an individual strives to please others and finds it difficult or impossible to say no. Conditioning is a process that influences relationships through reward or punishment. Finally, habitual behavior is a cycle of learned behavior that becomes automatic.
All these behaviors can be serious if ignored and allowed to progress beyond an individual’s control. You expressed feeling overwhelmed and completely drained. You may have already lost control, but the good news is you realize there’s a problem and are determined to set boundaries. Now you must decide if you are able to make the changes on your own. Some behaviors like habits and conditioning can be reversed with minor changes. Deeper psychological issues like codependency or people pleasing may require more attention. If you are struggling to find the source or solution to your problem, professional counseling may be necessary.
If you think you can make some changes on your own, start by learning to say no and taking time to teach. By responding ‘no,’ your family members will instantly look for other solutions. For situations you want to be involved in, teach them how to find solutions rather than having you solve the issues for them. Growing up, I had a friend who left belongings behind wherever he went. His mother went behind him at school, our house, and other places to gather up his things. We remain friends to this day and he loses things all the time. I believe by picking up his things, his mom deprived him of learning to do it for himself. Maybe if she had sent him after his own things or made him go without a few times, she would have saved herself a lot of needless work and perhaps taught him some responsibility.
I know sometimes it’s easier and quicker to just do things yourself, but if you never say no, teach, or delegate, you set yourself up for endless dependency. You may have to invest a little more up front but it saves everyone time and energy in the long run. It’s like the old saying, “Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime.” Think of how much more productive your family will be when everyone is able to solve problems rather than bring them all to you.
I wouldn’t worry so much about hurting feelings and creating conflict. A family who loves you wouldn’t want you to feel the way you do. Let them know how you feel and that you need some time for yourself. This will help them understand the changes you need to make.
I hope my response provides enough insight for you to find a starting point. Don’t be afraid to talk to your family and tell them how you are feeling. You may be surprised at their reaction, and it may be enough to get you some temporary personal space. Regardless, don’t let up until you find peace.
God bless,
