I’ve been dating someone for a few months, and they are wonderful. The problem is, I’m afraid of getting close because of past heartbreaks. How do I get over feeling vulnerable so I can embrace this new relationship?
Thanks,
Wary of Love
Blake Johnson
Blake’s Take
Dear Wary of Love,
In a quest to find someone special, we will likely spend a lot of time with contenders who don’t make the cut. These candidates can range from almost perfect to altogether wrong. When we pour ourselves into an unsuccessful relationship, the conclusion can be devastating. That’s why we call these failed attempts heartbreaks. They can be debilitating and cause real pain. It’s estimated by the American Psychological Association that over 85 percent of adults have experienced at least one heartbreak in their lives. The remaining 15 percent at least experience the effects of heartbreak secondhand, through shared stories or dramatizations. I mean, who among us can study the fate of Romeo and Juliet without feeling some emotional distress?
The whole purpose of dating is to find a compatible partner with whom to share your life. Compatibility means you share important values. Finding a match for all that you feel is important can take time. To make it worse, many of us don’t recognize our own values until we’re well into adulthood. That means we will likely go through several relationships before settling on who we are, much less knowing who we need. While it may seem like a tough process, the good news is that we learn about ourselves, and our needs become clearer with each heartbreak.
To overcome your vulnerability, you may need to change your perspective. Think about dating as a learning phase. Use this time to evaluate yourself and decide on what you need from a partner. Take note of the things that make you happy and focus on those traits the next time you meet someone. Use your bad experiences to eliminate the traits you find incompatible and learn to recognize those characteristics early on. As you learn your needs, you are also honing your relationship skills. Your experience should help you navigate future relationships better, rather than avoiding them. If you still find yourself feeling vulnerable and afraid of commitment, you might consider talking to a professional.
Your other option is to break it off with this wonderful new person and dodge relationships altogether. Sure, you may prevent heartbreak, but you will also deprive yourself of love and every other good thing that comes with relationships. Yes, dating can be tough and hurtful at times, but I promise you, finding a healthy, loving relationship makes it all worth it.
After 26 years of marriage, I am grateful for the experiences that prepared my wife and me for what we have today. I would hate to think that we missed out on our current relationship because we held onto past fears. Everything worth having requires sacrifice. Relationships are no different.
It sounds like you have met someone worth getting to know better. Take your time and be observant. If something raises an eyebrow, it’s okay to be reluctant or put things on pause; just don’t stop momentum in a good relationship for no reason. Instead of shutting down, use your past heartbreaks to guide your heart to real happiness. Visualize what that looks like and keep searching until you find it.
Thank you for trusting me with relationship advice. I hope something I’ve said will help you overcome feeling vulnerable and that you one day find your soulmate.
Sincerely,
